• Posted on 2024-07-01
• Inspiration
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• Written by Marcelle

WHEN SMILES BETRAY...

How I live like this I will never understand.
I can never get a moments rest.
Half of the time, it feels like I have offended the world, and I am suffering the repercussion of my actions.
The other half it feels like the entire world is against me for no reason.
It takes a different kind of energy.
A different kind of strength.
To carry on as if nothing is wrong.
Even when the only thing I want to do is scream.
But what can I do?
Is it wrong for me to feel the way I do?
Sometimes I feel like a fraud, a liar, a fake.
Life feels unfair.
Why must I suffer?
Why must I feel this way?
These are thoughts that crowd my mind.
So I detach myself. Thinking it would be easier.
But it's really not. It's tiring, it's exhausting and it hurts.
The pain of trying to act like I have it all together.
It looks like I do but no one could be farther from the truth.
I am a mess most of the time that is.
I do not have it all together. Everyday for me is a battle, a struggle. Sometimes its better for me to forget it all.To act like I do not care.
A lot of times I genuinely don't.
The very few times I do,the emotions threaten to overwhelm me.
And it is then, in those moments, that my mind does not quiet.
It is in those moments, that my greatest comforts, no longer bring me peace.
The blissfulness of sleep eludes me, the serenity of music escapes me.
The company of friends brings no joy, the peacefulness, the calmness, the sense of connection.
The eloquence, the ease, the inspiration,to pour out my heart out in words, it abandons me.
It feels like I have lost the most vital parts of myself.
The parts that make me me.
And it feels like my heart is being ripped out and my soul being torn apart.
Ripped to shreds by the feelings of sadness. Emotions that I cannot even begin to describe.
But it will pass as it always does. And I will be fine, until it happens again.
And when it does, because I know it will, I will find a reason to smile through the pain as I always have.